The life and times of an unemployed adult

I have now reached a defining moment in my life. A record has been broken, a threshold passed. This is the first time since, well since before I was 16 and not legally allowed to work that I have been out of employment (being a student doesn't count, as I technically have an income). I am 24 years old and have been out of work for 4months.  Yes that’s right 4 f***ing MONTHS! Here some snippets of what I've been doing

Month 1

What a joy, no tie, no need to iron a shirt late at night or early in the morning. You’re staying in bed late today there’s need to get up. You want to have a beer, sure. Go for it, I’ve got no commitments. Who needs a job I got money, well overdraft. As good as. This past month I have done watched a lot of films and made plans which never come into fruition.  I love being poor and unemployed, I don’t get why people moan about it.

Month 2

The second month still riding high off the coat tails of enjoyment from the previous month. The first 2 weeks as joyous as the last month little progress has been achieved in any headway in future employment but who cares. Looking out the window there’s still a world of possibilities, hopes and dreams. I could go on a bike ride... Yes, I love a bike ride. I could go the park or the lake, read a book and enjoy this fortunate situation I am in, where I have no need for this money lark. But ultimately as everyone knows dreams are nothing. 

I close the curtains only horror waits outside. What if I was to fall off my bike in a crowded street, people staring in horror. Children laughing and sniggering at my misfortune.... Everyone’s nightmare.

Week 3 of month 2... I’m spending too much. I have no income and I am now actively looking for a job. Maybe 2 and half months late. But better late than never. I have applied for a proper job, I know who would employ me. I’m giving it a shot and putting my all into to it. I’ve bought a lovely new tie.

Month 3

I’m pleased with my new tie. Things are getting desperate emailing 20 applications a day now. I don’t care what for. Most I’m not qualified for, I bypass all requirements now.

Do you have your own transport?                            

Yes

Have you had 4 years sales experience?                   

Sure

Do you have a background in international sales as well as working in a global marketplace selling and buying goods from overseas?                                               

... Of course I have

My theory is when they find out I will have signed contracts and unless explicitly stated I’m on probation. I have a good weeks pay before being fired and a job for the C.V. which I will extend by 3 years. I hear back from the job I bought the tie for. I didn’t get it.

I resent the tie now.

Month 4

I’m over the last month’s worries of being unemployed and am restarting month 1 again. It’s now the 17^th week out of work. I look outside its sunny and I’m writing down a plan of attack. Today I shall go to the job centre, hand C.V.’s out, email prospective employers and go spend the rest of my overdraft on a new bike. Jobseeker’s was a hassle and the woman was South African so I struggled with her inflections on every word. I’ve got to go back tomorrow now, such a pain. My sister calls me after my jobseekers interview. She’s got a job after what seemed 10minutes of looking.

I am going to follow her proactive approach and I marched straight into Reed and asked for a job (Same place as my sister 10minutes after her). I instantly crumble under question 2....

“What experience do you have?” the reed lady said, I retort with bullshit.

“We have no jobs I’m afraid but I will let you know if any come up” the reed lady replied to the bullshit. I walk away sheepish with a “Thanks for your time”.

Unemployment sucks.  

Luke

Classic TV Banter Moment's 1

TV Show: Pokemon
Banterers: Ash and Misty
What's going on: Two friends/rivals are battling it out to see whose the better pokemon trainer.

I Hate It When My Drink Ain't Cool.

First it was smokin' that got stubbed out. Now it appears drinkin' has lost it's cool.

 After endulging myself in some classic novels and 1950s films something about my generation and our drinking culture startled me like yet another unexpected glass of red being hurled at my face. Drinking isn't cool anymore.

I enjoy my drink in many ways. From the irreplacable pleasure of an ice cool beer in the pub after a grinding days work. Or the joy of the endless sea of booze to be consumed over the Christmas season. But, I'm afraid to say us young bucks and our drinking exploits have become repititive, uninspiring and to be frank, embarrassing.

Girls in 10 inch heels falling into the gutter whilst the over-zealous guys eye-ball eachother for a bout of fisty cuffs. Ask this crowd about their favourite drinks and you will undoubtedly hear the answers of VK Blue, or Orange, or Green, or whatever colour their X-factor filled mind can think of in its inebriated state. Or, maybe it's a Stella, or the pseudo-Cider Strongbow. Either way it's got less class than school in summer.

What happened to Gin & Tonics with a wedge of lime? Where are the evenings in the garden listening to sweet soul music with good friends, great wine and even better cheese? Or maybe even the simple pleasure of several bottles of dark rum, a guitar in the hands of anyone other than a Damien Rice fan, and a bangin' bonfire.

In the unreachably cool worlds that exist in the books and films, great settings and classy drinks are often a happy marriage (companied by top class, scripted banter).

Lets make drinking cool again my friends. Let's not settle for a night out at Oceana drinking Becks Vier & paintstripper tequilla. Let's not settle for bars that serve us cocktails called WooWoo's and Cheeky V's. Let's not settle for souless DJ's who's ability ends at their finger tip, as it pushes the 'On' button of their iPod. Let's not settle.

Here's how the game goes ladies and gents. One drink. One Setting. One song. I'll give you mine you give me yours, and we'll all get nice and merry..

Drink Name - Whisky Sour

Recipe:

x1 Bottle of your favourite whisky
x1 Bag of lemons
A bag of sugar (white or brown)
A bag of ice

Simple and sour.

Squeeze off half a large lemon into your tumbler,

add two table spoons of sugar,

add your ice,

pour in your whisky (4 shots worth or more should be dandy),

stir to mix in the sugar (can be shaken but add ice after instead),

garnish with a slice of lemon and enjoy.

Now we have our drink we need somewhere to drink it. I'm going to chose deck chairs by the lake, with some chums, in the sunshine. Need I say more.



All we need now is a song. I'm dropping the needle on the unmistakable whisky soaked murmurings of Mr. John Lee Hooker with 'Boom boom', guiding us through our afternoon tipple. Cheers..

John Lee Hooker - 'Boom Boom' 1960s live.

[click the link above for a bangin' tune]

You Can Ask the Rest or You Can Ask the Best

The season's kicked off and their's balls everywhere, no less so than on the FMB website courtesy of the shockingly uneducated ramblings of my fellow banterers.Now I realise the tradition is of course to make your predo's before the first ball is kicked for the season but after what I saw going up from the banterers (Arsenal to finish 3rd from a surely bias Mr O'Shea our Eastern correspondent), so i say better belated than bollocks.

#1. Manchester United are favoured by most to once again lift the trophy come May, and with their long reign of dominance it'd be tough to argue against that. They've added good talent to the squad with Ashley Young being the pick of the bunch. The only worry will be the young hands filling the gloves of Mr Sar.

#2. Chelsea are always solid and I expect no difference from them this year. With Torres looking much fitter and faster than he has for 12 months that 50mil may finally start being refunded. Ramires looks to be bedding in very nicely and is adding that much needed pace to the midfield. The only question mark is over the new and very untested young manager. That being said I believe the club has enough spirit, experience and guile to overcome that hurdle.

#3. Me ma's team and the big spenders of the summer with more pennies to be splashed it would seem. A good manager at the helm though possibly his defensive Italian approach could be tweaked. Undoubted talent in all departments and clearly title contenders. I feel the weight of all the tournaments and especially the Champions League will hold them back from topping the two big guns of the league.

#4. This is a tough one, three teams all with the credentials to push for that valuable Champions league spot. With the loss of their two most senior and talented midfielders i'm tipping Arsenal for a shocking 6th place finish. They've not strengthened in defence or goalkeeping and have only got weaker in attack. Liverpool under Dalglish have transformed their squad into an attractive outfit, shrewd purchases of premier league regulars will do them no harm at all but I am tipping them to just miss out and finish in 5th spot, top 4 next year.

So that leave fourth spot to the boys in white, yep Fulham have the Dutch Maestro at the helm and the skies the limit.... Nah of course the geezer maestro/wheeler dealer 'Arry and his Spurs team are my 4th spot. They've not made many signings which is of course surprising under Redknapp but they've got a safe pair of gloves to replace the shakey Gomes with Brad Friedal nd more importantly they've held on to their stars. The cohesion of the squad is my reasoning for Spurs to top Liverpool this season.

Now, let's go downtown.

I've not done my research on the promoted teams but none of them will have a lesser defence than that of Wigan's who's manager I regard as strangely overrated. I'll be placing my relagation choices on their manager and defensive capabilities. If it were on manager alone Blackburn would find a way to end up in league 2 at the end of the season, yes Steve Kean is surely footballs largest muppet. Promoted teams tend to be 50/50 on survival and play-off champs tend to struggle too. 

All this in mind here are my decisions.....

#18. 18th, the harshest finish in the league. 18, the number of players to leave Blackburn. Kean claims to be friends with Sir Ferguson and is hopeful of some loan signings. A couple of Manchester United starlets would not be enough to help a squad with only three recognised defenders with one being a 19 year old chap. Lack of numbers compared to last year in which they went down to the last day. Bye, bye, Blackburn.

#19. A tough choice, having picked a Premier League regular for the chop i've left a space for one of the new boys to survive. And this choice leaves room for that team to have a +1 as I'm picking Roberto's Wigan who also went to the last day survival in the previous season. A poor defence and they've lost they're midfield sparks in Cleverely & N'Zogbia, with Hugo expected to leave too.

#20. Swansea. They're Welsh.

Steve Kean for the sack. 

Can Warnock break his relagation curse? Let's hope so cos' he looks like a Batman villain and I find him hilarious.

Everton to do well, watch out for the latest Evertonian talent in Ross Barkley. This kid could be an entertainer.

There you have Gentleman, remember if there's grass on the pitch.... The groundsman's done his job.

Ciao x

Josh is a bellend and wrong as usual.

So as josh has jumped on banterweekly.blogspot running his mouth off over what he thinks of this and that. With little to no knowledge of any matters in the way football. Also he is a pretty shocking player. This of course means any ideas, thoughts or suggestions on the matter should instantly be halved and halved again as he has no authority. That’s right you think its gospel, it’s not, its heresy.

Here’s two feel my banter pro’s predictions, Luke R. Yorke BA (Hons) and Michael O’Shea (Got a degree or two and masters or something). Two extraordinary individuals who know the game inside out. If you want to take Joshua H. Michael (Milton Keynes Chinese takeaway quickest server of the year 2011) then feel free. 

But on NO account come running to us when your dreams are shattered into the finest of shards and left homeless as you have bet your house on such poor knowledge.

I’m not going to bore you with reasons as you no doubt now acknowledge that josh is a fool.

Top 4

Luke’s Predictions 1.       Manchester United	Michael’s Predictions 1.    Manchester United
2.       Chelsea	2.    Manchester City
3.       Manchester City	3.    Arsenal
4.       Liverpool	4.    Chelsea

Relegation

Luke’s Predictions Wolverhampton Wanderers	Michael’s Predictions Norwich City
Swansea	Swansea
Stoke City	Newcastle United

We don’t do anything by half’s and are taking a massive punt on the last team on each list. But what a punt it is and it is surely only going to yield a few fleeting moments of glory.

Who cares about the other predictions, no one.

Luke R. Yorke & Michael O’Shea

Let The Banter Begin...

On the verge of a big money move, I really hope he comes
to United. Modric isn't too bad either.

It's August the 12th, but it might as well be Christmas Day. For tomorrow marks the start of the Premier League 2011-2012 campaign, the best league in world as our hairy ex-presenter would spout every weekend. So here we go. I, Josh from FMB, will publicly declare my Premier League predictions. I implore the fellow banter boys to follow suit, to separate the footie guru's from the soccer saps. 


Top 4
The top four, in order, is always a tricky affair. The usual suspects will all still be involved of course.
For me, United have the best squad. They've added some great players, especially in Ashley Young. I tip them to win their 20th league title. 


It pains me to admit, but City have put together a scary team over the last 3 seasons. They'll still fall short of United, but I see them doing one better than last season and finishing second. If Aguero adapts to England, he will be horrifyingly good.


Chelsea are a strong team, but I think their age will creep up on them later on in the season. It'll be a tight third  place finish, just missing out on second. Super Frank is a top player, but I feel his best days are gone. The Drog will do well, but the Ivorian is 34 this year so it'll be a more subdued year for him I feel. I do think however that Torres aka El Nino will double his tally of goals from last season. 


Fourth spot is such a tricky bastard. The obvious shout is Arsenal. They've consistently finished in the top 4 since time began. But after losing Nasri and Cesc and with a squad that seems to line up for the treatment table whenever a light breeze whistles through London, I think they will really struggle this year. The old enemy, Liverpool, look vastly improved. Suarez is top class, Carroll will show the world what £35 million can buy these days and 'King Kenny' is an experienced and quality manager. I think the reds will just edge it, with The Gunners only just edging it over their North London rivals, Tottenham. Spurs have a good squad, 'Arry knows how to the get the best out of them. But they concede too many. Brad Friedel is a stellar buy, but I think their leaky defense will be their downfall on a Champions League spot. 


Relegation
Usually the most exciting part of the season, the relegation candidates are hard to single out. I think the three newly promoted teams will all struggle this season, but I think QPR should be alright, they have funds and a decentish squad. I think Swansea and Norwich are in for the chop though. Their squads are small, the locations don't help for enticing new signings and they're lacking funds to make a shout in the market. I really hope Blackburn join them in the drop. I fucking hate boring, shut up shop, Blackburn.


Top Scorer
After a very up and down year, I feel the pride of England, Wayne 'Wazza' Rooney is back to his best. Some of his performances towards the end of last season where inspiring. That 'Fuck Off!' hat-trick against West Ham, the sublime bicycle kick against City. Even a peach of an equalizer against the might Barca in the Champions League final was a small consolation. He'll hit the net 25 times this season, with hat tricks against Liverpool, City and Barcelona...


First Managerial Sacking  
Andre Villas-Boas.


Champions League Winner
I think Barca will be favorites again, but it is notorious that no team has won the European Cup twice in succession since the Champions League format. I want a Real - United final, but I think it will be a rematch of last season's final. Third time lucky... 


My Wildcard
As a wildcard shout, I genuinely think Mikey Owen will score at least 10 league goals this season. Don't let me down, Michael. 


Summary
Top 4
Manchester United
Manchester City
Chelsea
Liverpool


Relegation 
Blackburn Rovers
Norwich City
Swansea City


Top Scorer
Wayne Rooney


First Sacking
Andre Villas-Boas


Champions League Winner
Manchester United


Wildcard
Michael Owen to score 10 or more league goals.


So, there are my picks. Now watch me flop every single one.


Roll on tomorrow afternoon. Not bad this league, is it?


Josh.

Films, Films, Films and the death of 3D

Another summer, another bunch of Hollywood blockbusters for you to take your pick at. With every year there is an increasing trends to rehash films or even add on another sequel to make more and more of those precious bucks. Now I as I’m sure all of you out there are fans of cinema. Never have I met someone who says “If there’s one thing I hate, its cinema”. No one does that. But if they did, they would be one original mother***er. The only problem I have with cinema these days is 3D, when I first saw it in “Avatar” I was sold to it. A film which was filmed in 3D to be shown in 3D which was nothing short of spectacular to watch all though with big plot issues and predictable story, you saw past it due to shear outlandishness of plants of an alien world popping out left, right and centre at you.

But we’ve had that now, so why would I pay an extra 2 quid to see the same film with more things to pop out. With films such as “Alice In Wonderland, Tron: Legacy, Toy Story 3 and The Last Airbender” there was A. No added value and B. Made me angry for wasting the 2 quid on 15mins of 3D. But with declining numbers of viewers opting for the added extra of 3D, this will surely be added to the pages of history with smell-o-vision.

Now for a very quick rundown of fairly new films out at your local multiplex, here we go...

Films to see

Ø  Super 8 – J.J. Abrams is back with a blockbuster film with clear links to his love of sci-fi which hits upon moments of E.T. A film which doesn’t just rely on special effects but is character driven as you care for the characters back story and problems. 4/5 

Ø  Harry Potter 7b – Not its full title there but close enough. I have completely forgotten what 7a was about. But watched nonetheless and enjoyed it, another summer blockbuster and last of the franchise that doesn’t disappoint. Worth a watch even if you think harry potters for nerds. 3/5

Ø  Senna – Again, Again, Again I’m going on about it. But it is great. A documentary film comprised of solely archive footage from races, home videos and previous docs. Charts the life of Formula 1’s greatest drivers. It is compelling and stunning. A must see, even if you’re not an F1 fan. 5/5

Films to miss

Ø  Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon – If you want to waste 2hours of your life it’s perfect. But on almost every other level it fails, there is no connection with the characters especially the new girl who offers nothing other than looks. The only bit of acting in the whole film is done by John Malkovich, so it appears after you’re bored of 30mins of explosions and gunfire he gets wheeled in to act for 2mins before the explosions start up again. Leave this alone and keep the last bit of hope for humanity that Michael Bay will stop making this shite. 1/5

Ø  Bad Teacher - What is the point of it, Cameron Diaz (also known as the most successful female in cinema) has decided to make a film which the whole premise is that she is ... A bad teacher. The plot revolves around her character needing money for boob job. I know what you’re thinking you are sold... then what happens... she gets a teaching job... then what... she’s not very good at it... then what... you shoot yourself over how awful this film is. 1/5

Films coming out that might be alright but we don’t know yet

Ø  Rise of the Planet of the Apes – Not holding out much for this.

Ø  The Devils Double – True story of a body double of Uday Hussein. Looks intriguing.

Ø  Conan the Barbarian – Remake of Governor Arnies breakthrough 82’ film.  Almost definitely going to be shite. 

Well that's that, I'm out of here.

Luke

10 Ways to Get The Girls This Summer.

These guys know the score. All it cost was their respect.

Summer is fast approaching and it's time to start getting your shit together if you want to have a chance with all those beautiful ladies. 'But Josh!' I hear you cry, 'I'm-a scared of girls, why would they ever go for me?' Fear not, follow these tips for an epic, gash laden summer.

1. Grow Your Barnet.

A Good, flowing head of hair is what the ladies want these days. If you're balding, buy a stylish hat and never take it off. NEVER TAKE IT OFF.

2. Get Yourself a Six-Pack.

Never underestimate the pulling power of a trim, well cut stomach. Start by doing a 1000 sit-ups a day. Ignore the crippling stomach cramps and internal bleeding, just think of the possibility of a lovely BJ, because your stomach looks so hot.

3. Learn The Guitar.

A man with a rhythmic talent already has the advantage over you. Learn to play the guitar at night, sleep when it's winter, it's called hibernation. Even if you suck too much to learn it, just carry a guitar around with you on your back. If girls ask you to play it, just tell them your too upset to play as your girlfriend just left you. Before you know it, your using the guitar as a spanking paddle.

4. Get Some Money.

Girls love money. This is a scientific fact. Find yourself a job, presumably one that pays up to 25k per annum. This should be enough to get you by with today's woman.

5. Ink Up.

These days, if you don't have tattoos all over your body, then you can forget about getting laid. Girls are great admirers of body art, from ancient Chinese symbols, to stars. Lots of fucking stars. Get yourself a few stars tattooed on your person. If you don't want to permanently colour your skin, use a marker pen. Make sure its permanant! The last thing you want is your awesome tribal junk to start smearing when you get sweaty in your woolen cardigan.

6. Pretend to Like Stuff You Hate.

All of your interests should fly out the window. Tell them your really into the X-Factor this year and that you can't get enough of The Only Way is Essex. Agree to go to clubs that make you want to vomit on your dogs face. Then they'll think your a cool guy.

7. Wear Clothes That All the Other Guys Wear.

Girls hate guys with a streak of individualism. That wicked wolf jumper you got at the vintage shop? Burn it. Get your self some awesome brown, skinny carrot jean shorts and a baggy pinstripe vest. Finish it off with a pair of shoes that look like there made out of a deck chair and your set for AT LEAST a handjob.

8. Start Smoking.

'You got a light?' 'Sorry, I don't smoke' 'Fucking dork'. That's right, smoking is cool. It always has been to women. Forget about all of those pesky side-effects, like cancer, and grab yourself a pack of the good stuff. Now you look just like James freaking Dean, not that they know who he is.

9. Get Some Wheels.

If your not rolling with the top down, then you can forget about getting your head down. If you don't have your license, then just wing it. One tip for road safety. Drive as fast as you can, all of the time. That way, your on the road for a shorter amount of time and if your not on the road, you can't get hurt. Sound advice.

10. Laugh At People Who Look Different.

Girls love a good laugh, usually at other peoples expense. Utilize this brand of humor as your own. See that girl walking down the street who's a little overweight? Just minding her own business? Rip into her. Call her a whale. Sure, she goes home feeling depressed and her self-esteem has taken a cruel and unnecessary blow. But your feeling some boobs in the bushes now. 

That's all it takes fellas. Now get to work and watch the clunge roll in. I'm off now to buy a copy of Heat for intel.

Josh.

I Dare You, Blink At Me One More Time.

I haven’t posted for a while, the reason being I am finishing university in a few weeks and I cannot wait, now this post is not about the many reasons I hate uni. I could do a lot with that and I’m sure there is a time and a place to vent my rage (I’m pretty sure this is the place, well here or the pub). This is about something a little more specific.

The blinking line in word. You know what I’m talking about.

Yes I know it can seem a stupid one, but that blinking little shit taunts me, it’s always there judging. I know I haven’t written much, 20 words or so, but it just sits there in the same place blinking. It’s as if it is sighing at me, waiting for my retort (Yet I have nothing to give it) and it knows this.

You little prick, I think. You don’t know what pain you cause me. But I shall have my revenge on you.

A blank word document is daunting at the best of times, a sea of crisp white with no black Trebuchet MS or Times New Roman staring back at me. Even writing this now it’s there, no support from it, just a blinking line. God I hate you, having just wrote a dissertation this little line is one of the most annoying things in my life right now. I know there are people out there that will understand and there is sure to be some who think this trivial.

But I’m telling you now it is my enemy, my rival, my nemesis. I will show you up you little line shit. Then when I’m finished I’ll forget about you, until the next time we do battle.

Luke.